Comedy is tragedy plus time!

I wanted to write a follow up on the last blogas it was in two parts, however a specific mail made me try my hand at something humorous. My rare try at it. On second thoughts the mailer was right with so much of tension and betrayal around one would want to come home and read something light. So here’s a shot at it, am too serious to take it up as a permanent theme but all I can say is ‘this time you got lucky!’

I got up as fresh as a daisy; I hadn’t felt so delicate before. It was an important day; a big day thus had slept early last night. I had to leave early and reach well in time not to miss the flight to Delhi. The time to reach the airport was far more than the inflight time! Irony of the ‘infrastructure development’ in my country!

I got dressed quickly and slipped into my favourite trousers. The minute I zipped it the button went flying and hit the floor. For more than a minute I just kept staring at the fallen button and cursed my luck at that. I didn’t have time to stitch it in time. I pulled an old one, the one that hung in my wardrobe in the set of clothes you buy without a reason and have been categorised as ‘untouchables’.

I slipped into it, well trust me it just sounds cool saying slipped. I had to struggle, pull it on both sides and wrestle hard to button it. I had a quick look at the mirror to see the most button popping, zipper ripping, and seam splitting trousers I had ever seen. I quickly gulped my juice, picked my bag and left after bowing quickly to the Tirupathi Balaji idol.

The juice starts working on me almost 20 minutes after I drink it. I felt the urge but stopped it, I wasn’t even half way and there was no way I could take a break. I sat still with all the weight I could put on my butt to stop it. At the same time was scared to put pressure that the seams of the trouser fall apart. Signal after signal was testing my patience. I pulled open my purse to check if I had taken my tickets, yes I had neatly tucked it in my passport. Well somethings are in order I thought to myself when I realised I had forgotten my phone at home. ‘Gosh! Common….I looked at the Ganesh idol on the cab dashboard and the dangling Hanuman holding a mountain over the mirror.’ I just couldn’t believe this was happening. The only thing I could afford was make a sick face and look at God.

By the time we reached the airport, my kidneys along with intestines were on the verge of bursting. Pressing my legs hard together I got down. Got my bags off and started to walk. ‘Edhu kamiya iruku!’ shouted the cab driver. I looked startled at him and first looked all over myself to see if my trousers were in place. ‘What?’ I retorted. ‘edu pathadu?’ he went again. ‘Dude I am in no mood for language translation.’ I actually said it. He went even louder in the south Indian language and even more animated. I realised through his gestures what he hinted at. I trusted the note in his hand and walked off thinking why don’t people understand emergencies.

I was late for the flight, no matter how much I try…it always happens to me. I looked at the snakelike queue for collecting the boarding pass and an equally long queue for security check-in. ‘Today is not my day!’ I looked at the Sai baba keychain hanging on the guy’s bag ahead of me – thinking why me? ‘Any Delhi passengers in the queue please come forward.’ I heard an angel’s voice.

Now I could bypass the queue and go to the rest room after security check, I wondered. I collected my boarding pass in a jiffy and walked to the security check, I walked straight nudging people and ignoring the horrendous stares I was getting. I pushed myself, removed my laptop placed it in the tray and walked to get checked, my eyes glued to the restroom. The boarding pass got stamped and while handing it over, she dropped it. I gave her the look that I would kill her for this sin. If I bend the seams fall apart and I didn’t want to challenge my bursting kidneys. She picked it up and said sorry. Not all is bad…I looked at the Durga ma pendant she was wearing under her shirt.

I collected my bag and rushed to the toilet and sat on the seat….’Ah….what a relief! This is heavenly, on second thoughts it isn’t!’ I sat feeling relieved looking at the mosaic flooring. I looked at the watch and then pulled the toilet paper. A small piece of paper came to my hand and the empty roll rolled on the stand mocking at me. I looked around but couldn’t find anything. This was not happening. I reached out for my bag and looked in for tissues, there weren’t any. I got up and quietly opened the door; I could see the stack of paper just across the door. I will quickly go grab the roll and get in again, I thought to myself. I sneaked out with my trousers half rolled down and rushed to the roll. I grabbed it and turned to see a long queue of women of all age, shape and sizes looking baffled at me. I didn’t bother much and rushed in. I could hear the laughter, the giggles, the lol’s and rofl’s of the world. Not looking eye in eye, embarrassed from head to toe, I washed my hands and rushed out as if no one around me existed. My name had been announced twice, the next thing I remember was the flight attendant telling me to fasten my belt as we were going to touch down. I slept like a log and was now hungry like a dog…sorry bitch, the rhyme sounded better.

Now no more, I was in time for the meeting and nothing could go wrong now. I sat there looking at the plush office and the pretty paintings hanging all over. That’s a new investment trend! The plump receptionist looked at me and pointed towards the cabin. After the pleasantries the client said lets have the presentation. I braced myself and confidently picked up my strolley, I opened it to get my laptop out. My eyes popped out not to find anything in the bag. How could it be, I had packed it after reviewing the slides last night. My palms got sweaty, body went cold and I could see stars in front of my eyes. I should be given a premium membership and a platinum award at I looked at my client and I could see his face getting elongated and his voice distorted and distant. I came to reality when he shook me, ‘huh!’.  He placed his phone on the table and I looked at the Sri Ram wallpaper and just nodded in dejection. Just in time I remembered emailing him a copy last night. It saved my day!

 The next thing I remember was me in bed, just opened my eyes, staring at the ceiling wondering was it real or a surreal dream. Well who cares as I got up feeling fresh as a daisy; it was an important and big day!

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